Today was...it just was.I don't have the words to explain it, it just was.I feel...like im bleeding to death.Like all this time i've been focusing on shallow wounds to escape the pain of this gaping, raw wound i've found in my heart.Godith and Caleb, between them, have bandaged and healed all the little shallow wounds, all thats left is this big gaping thing.all the mmistrust, all the hurt, all the pain and lonliness...its just right there now, exposed.all the whining and complaining and bithching i've done hasn't made it go away, and it won't.but all the talking and things haven't fixed it either.darkness hasn't, nothing has.But maybe its a lesson to me, you know?Trying to fix this...this...thing isn't helping.Because im doing it for the wrong reasons.Why is it even important? Its just a way for me to justify being wihsy washy and immiture and wanting Godith to pay attention to me.I dont think anyone or anything can fix it, and in the meanwhile everything is going down in flames.If it was going to heal it would have healed up already.I have to...move on, i guess.Its an enemy, its keeping me from my goals...Its just...hard to.I want to scream at someone to fix it, to care, to do something.but that wont work either.and why should anybody?ive never healed up anyone,never fixed anyhting,never healed a broken heart.All i do is demand and bitch and go emo and stress people out with demands for attention,when i don't even know what i want.So, im making a pact with myself today to stop whining and demanding and begging and to jsut...do.to learn form Godith and Caleb while they're available to teach, and to help when i can, and to be good, and just...bury this wound, i guess.I don't want to end up like Charles.Well, thats all

Wulf